She Don’t Have to Know

April 26, 2006

 "I go
To the other side of town so I
Never risk the chance of catching her eye
Cause she don't have to know"

                                            John Legend

A friend of mine (male), and I were having a discussion recently about monogamy. He already knows I am somewhat synical regarding relationships and laughs at my conviction that I will end up as the Dog Version of the proverbial Cat Lady. According to him I have gotten progressively worse in the past year. Hm, could it possibly be that I work with so many dudes?

I get to observe-and deal with-guys in their natural habitat all day long. For some reason they feel they can talk to me about  shit, and I get to hear it all. Most of them, it turns out, are cheating, or have cheated, on their wives or girlfriends. One of them is married, has a girlfriend who is also married, and the two couples hang out together. "Oh, who's playing footsie with me under the table? Is it her, or her?" Sick fuck. Another one's girlfriend just had his baby, and he's asking me if I have any friends to hook him up with. Sure, dude, sure. I wish I had a really dirty one to help you out with. A third was showing pictures of some girl's (not his girlfriend's) hooha. Apparently she had nothing better to do, so she stuck a phone between her legs, took some pictures, and sent them to whomever she felt appropriate. Most of them have slept with a customer. Classy shit, eh?

I realize I am dealing with a specific sample of the male population, but who's to say the rest of them don't  do it either? The ones around me, at least, seem to be doing it for sport, just because they can. There is no particular reason for it. They are not unhappy with the girl they are with, per se. They just seem to have unrealistic notions about relationships.

And to be fair, lots of girls do it, too. I've done it, a long time ago. But for different reasons entirely. Cheating just showed what I refused to admit to myself- I had no reasons left to be with the person I was with at the time. As wrong as I was, the experience taught me a lot about myself. I've been single sinse…..

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Irrevirsible

April 22, 2006

I want to feel the way I felt that night, in a cold hotel room with an extra bed (no, ma, it's not what you think). We slept next to each other, like we had countless times before, but something had shifted. I think that is one of the few times we felt the same way at the same time, believing that anything is possible. We woke up in the same position we had fallen asleep in, me in his red dress shirt and gym shorts. It wasn't that long ago, but it feels like forever.

Needless to say, we lost one another again after that night. I keep thinking it's something I could have prevented. How can two people who care about each other so deeply and say they want the same things completely miss one another in such an obvious way? Is it a lack of communication, or is it something deeper? Was it even preventable? I think so. But I have no idea how….

I agonized for awhile what it is I could have done. I still do sometimes. I am angry for not being able to figure myself out in time to make the best out of it. And something shifted again-I feel numb, dissapointed. In myself, in him. We both should have known better, considering we know each other better than we know ourselves. I just want to feel like myself again when I'm around him. That is the tricky part.

Screw Work….

April 22, 2006

I wanna go to Montreal. Just a long weekend before school begins. Anyone wanna come with me? The round trip with Amrak is about 100 bucks, and I'll talk to my sister about getting a nice room for cheap. Let me know. It will be fun…..

WTF????

April 20, 2006

Why has my blogroll dissapeared? I can't get it to come back. Help, please… Anyone?

RU Screw

April 20, 2006

I have a feeling this might turn into a category pretty soon. I am either really, really lucky, or really, really fucked. About school, I mean. I will know for sure in a few days.

Sinnerman

April 20, 2006

Wanna go back to the MET  this weekend, play "Thomas Crown Affair"…. I would love to have something that pretty hanging in my living room.

Fight Club

April 18, 2006

Frank: So, Sof, word on the [Sales] Floor is, you like it rough….

Me: Really? Who said that?

F: Oh, so it's true, huh? You admit it, eh?

Me: There is nothing to admit, Boldie Locks (Frank is BALD, as in, no hair AT ALL). All I wanna know is who said that…

F: It doesn't matter. So it's true, you do like it rough?

I had had a training session at the gym the night before, and my trainer had been showing me how to throw real punches. Not the feisty girlie random jabs us Eastern European girls are used to, but serious "Million Dollar Baby"-type of shit. It was stronger than me, and before I even realized what it was I was doing, my fist flew right into his jaw/nose.

Me: Is that rough enough for you, asshole?

My 4 inch heel would have gone up and sideways next if it hadn't been for some of the other Sales Dudes, who clamor around us. I think there was a customer in the Showroom. THE Boss, John G, walks by, and sees Boldhead's nose gushing blood, me beside him, spitting fire.

John G: Frank, what the hell happened?

F: Sofia punched me in the face….

JG(nonchalantly): Oh, ok…. I'm sure you deserved it. I told you not to mess with the girls, man…. Sofia, are you alright?

…. and just walks away after I nod, dumbstruck. At this point I walk away too, laughing hysterically, trying not to trip over my 4 inch heels, pleasantly surprised nothing has been said to me. Punching people feels good. Maybe I should do it more often.

That kinda put a stop on a lot of the flack people say to my face. They have become a lot more considerate, accommodating. I know they talk-they talk about all the girls (all 5 of us)-about our butts, boobs, legs, hair, you name it. It took them a few weeks to realize that I spoke Portuguese like the rest of them, and the look on fore-mentioned Frank's face was priceless when he heard an equally obscene phrase come out of my mouth in the perfect Sao Paulo accent in response to something he had said about my J Lo proportioned ass, thinking I wouldn't understand. He avoided me for a few hours, then proceeded to apologize profusely. That was my first few weeks at the place…. I like Frank.

So now they are a little nicer to me. Heck, some of them even picked me over the Mexican Cleaning Lady for that Island Game, I found out. Not that I care. But it makes my job a little easier. It's just unfortunate I have to clock people in the face to get the reaction I need.

Wherever I May Roam

April 12, 2006

Sometimes I get the urge to just pack up and go-anywhere but stay where I am now… When I was still in high school I wanted to enlist in the Army or Air Force. Luckily my sister talked me out of that one. I wanted to go back to Bulgaria for a year when I graduated high school, a “finding myself” trip of sorts, but my parents wigged out when they heard the radical idea. We must have argued for a year straight, about that and other things. When I was a freshman at Rutgers, I was thinking about ROTC Air Force, but that idea never realized itself, either. I almost stayed in Sao Paulo when I was nineteen, between my freshman and sophmore years. I can honestly say that was the happiest time of my life so far. Not enough emotional baggage to burden my mind with, I guess. Not enough life experience. I want to move to Miami and go to Culinary School. Miami seems like the closest thing to N.Y.C. down South, and it’s hot as balls, which is how I like it. I really like D.C., too-but it’s not warm enough there, so I might as well stay here. There is an Acura Dealership in Bethesda, I’m pretty sure I can get a job there if I really wanted to. I almost moved to Allentown, PA, two summers ago. Almost-the person I was supposed to move because of turned out to be a complete ass. It was fun while it lasted, though. I think about getting a job with the Army as an interpreter in Bulgaria. Maybe after I finish college. That would be fun. Go back to my roots, remember where I came from. Speak Bulgarian spontaneously again. Or go to Brazil, brush up on my Portuguese, finish school there, and do plant research in the Amazon.

Fuck it. It’s late. I’m going to bed.

Feliz Compleanos!!!

April 12, 2006

… or Happy Birthday to one of the most important men in my life-DAN!!! Homo, I don't know how I would have survived the past 4 years without you. Come to think of it, a lot of the past 4 years has happened BECAUSE of you… hehehe… Really, though, I wish you the best of luck, happiness, lots of love (but you have Derrick already), and hopefully a divorce in the foreseeable future. And please remember when you go out to celebrate at any point this week-the one thing I can't give you is bail money. I love you with all my heart…..

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

Artsy-Fartsy

April 10, 2006

The MET is unlike any other museum I’ve been to. It is HUGE-it is built over several city blocks, and despite the fact that I’ve been there about 10 times, I have still not seen it all. There are all kinds of art, and lots of it. Egyptian, Asian, European, American…. Heck, they even have some stuff from Bulgaria (Represent!!!). The place is good to people watch, too-you can see folks from all walks of life, from Rich White Educated People to Ghetto Thugs to Illegal Mexicans, with lots of Art students in between. All of them there for the art. It’s refreshing, the usual museum stuffiness is not to be found here…. And the tourists-lets just say lots of camera flashes go off, and people pretend not to speak English when the guards go over to yell at them about it.

I really enjoy going there, the place calms me down. It is one of those places I like going to alone, and never wish I had someone there to share the experience with. I like to look at pictures, see the ridges in the paint and the tiny splinters on the frame, and realize that someone who actually existed 500 years ago created something for people to admire. I sat by the mummy of some  Egyptian woman, thinking that someone’s bones were still in there, had been there for quite some time, her body wrapped with such skill after she was gone, in the hopes that her afterlife would be just as good, if not better, as her earthly one. It puts things in perspective for me. One, it makes me realize I am not that important for my mistakes to fuck up all of the world. Two, people way more important than me made mistakes far worse than mine. Three, people had lives far more difficult than mine, what am I so miserable about? Four, life is too short,so enjoy the museum, and don’t think about crap that really doesn’t matter much, after all….